Sunday, July 10, 2011

Happiness on hold

[this is in response to the questions posited on a lifebyme post]
I feel as though happiness is on hold in my life as it is in this moment. I feel as though if my life as it is were to become my life as I want it to be, then I would be happy. But that's not how it works, they tell me.
The things I think need to be completed in order for my happiness to be released: the sale of my condo, a divorce, moving to California. And probably a career change. Big things, huh? My problem is that I stress both about things that are out of my control and things that are in my control. I start to think of these big things as insurmountable, regardless of who has the control, and then I lose hope that they will ever change.
The sale of the condo is out of my hands now--I have done what I need to do and now I wait for the buyer to do what she needs to do, and the bank, and the attorneys and the agents...  A divorce is very much in my control. Yes, I need the funds to accomplish this, but the first step I need to take is choosing an attorney and then let her lead me. Easy, right?! But I haven't done this because I feel paralyzed by ALL the obstacles. They start to look like a mountain range, especially when I get overwhelmed and back up, abandoning myself and my responsibilities. The closer I am able to come to them, the more I can see the individuality of the obstacle, the hand- and footholds, the paths that are available to me.
And then there are the other issues, but that would make for a very long blog entry. The question at hand is, 
    * What's one thing you could do today to connect with happiness now?
I think the first step, for me, is to make the committment not to abandon myself. But that's a big thing and fairly amorphous. Is there a small step that would lead me to the same place? Perhaps not allowing myself to indulge in anger. I can do that by keeping my mouth shut, counting to 10, breathing. I'm sure I'll be tested today, and I'll give it a try. The other stuff will be there tomorrow.

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