Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Monday, October 10, 2011


I have been feeling that I don't want to be in a relationship for a good long while. Like, years. Sometimes I wonder whether this means that I'm damaged in some way, but more often than not I know it's an indication that I need time to heal and to get to know myself--not as a wife or a mother but as a fully formed woman. Going on a date last week really solidified this for me. Especially with my kids being so young, there just isn't room in my life for someone else right now. And I love my kids so much I wonder whether anyone else could even come close to their importance for me. It kind of isn't fair to potential suitors, having to compete with two small, entertaining and endearing creatures who look like me. But when they are not quite so small and not quite as endearing, maybe it will be time to find someone to roll my eyes at when my creatures stomp away muttering "whatever."

Thursday, September 29, 2011


I feel so much more a competent, single adult than I do a competent mother. Of course it's nice to feel like a competent adult but I would like to feel that way about my most important job. Is this a universal feeling, that we can always do a better job as parents?

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Happiness on hold

[this is in response to the questions posited on a lifebyme post]
I feel as though happiness is on hold in my life as it is in this moment. I feel as though if my life as it is were to become my life as I want it to be, then I would be happy. But that's not how it works, they tell me.
The things I think need to be completed in order for my happiness to be released: the sale of my condo, a divorce, moving to California. And probably a career change. Big things, huh? My problem is that I stress both about things that are out of my control and things that are in my control. I start to think of these big things as insurmountable, regardless of who has the control, and then I lose hope that they will ever change.
The sale of the condo is out of my hands now--I have done what I need to do and now I wait for the buyer to do what she needs to do, and the bank, and the attorneys and the agents...  A divorce is very much in my control. Yes, I need the funds to accomplish this, but the first step I need to take is choosing an attorney and then let her lead me. Easy, right?! But I haven't done this because I feel paralyzed by ALL the obstacles. They start to look like a mountain range, especially when I get overwhelmed and back up, abandoning myself and my responsibilities. The closer I am able to come to them, the more I can see the individuality of the obstacle, the hand- and footholds, the paths that are available to me.
And then there are the other issues, but that would make for a very long blog entry. The question at hand is, 
    * What's one thing you could do today to connect with happiness now?
I think the first step, for me, is to make the committment not to abandon myself. But that's a big thing and fairly amorphous. Is there a small step that would lead me to the same place? Perhaps not allowing myself to indulge in anger. I can do that by keeping my mouth shut, counting to 10, breathing. I'm sure I'll be tested today, and I'll give it a try. The other stuff will be there tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011